he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
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She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
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She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.