Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
this will be a night to untag.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it