So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
then he tried to convert me to islam
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem