TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
hahahahaha turkey breast
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.