you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.