If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
love makes seman taste better
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
another moral hangover. fuck.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score