Texts From Last Night

Blacksabbath211's Favorites Texts:

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  (831): View more from California

  My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire

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  (831): My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire http://tfl.nu/9w77
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.

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  (505): Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle. http://tfl.nu/hoqs
  Replies (3) Good night (252) Bad night (507) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.

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  (307): WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk. http://tfl.nu/ho36
  Replies (1) Good night (667) Bad night (279) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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  (616): if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore http://tfl.nu/orke
  Replies (10) Good night (2081) Bad night (211) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.

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  (202): I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone. http://tfl.nu/ocz4
  Replies (17) Good night (796) Bad night (951) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.

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  (904): Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN. http://tfl.nu/2f4k
  Replies (3) Good night (681) Bad night (221) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
  Replies (97) Good night (40123) Bad night (1529)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...

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  (512): I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to... http://tfl.nu/6eke
  Replies (13) Good night (454) Bad night (1689)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"

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  (610): There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division" http://tfl.nu/egg0
  Replies (2) Good night (1232) Bad night (294) Order T-Shirt
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...

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  (972): Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch... http://tfl.nu/v5jz
  Replies (11) Good night (821) Bad night (632) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

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  (850): Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians. (1-850): Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue. http://tfl.nu/hc5m
  Replies (10) Good night (3008) Bad night (489)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

  (503): View more from Oregon

  ... That's a shower caddy.

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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  (541): You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever! (503): ... That's a shower caddy. (541): I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation. http://tfl.nu/svbx
  Replies (11) Good night (3101) Bad night (461)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day

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  (215): just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day http://tfl.nu/2xr8
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.

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  (503): Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals. http://tfl.nu/1rao
  Replies (6) Good night (718) Bad night (307) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.

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  (617): pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle. http://tfl.nu/r2o0
  Replies (3) Good night (2961) Bad night (408) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.

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  (304): I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable. http://tfl.nu/maf5
  Replies (22) Good night (4213) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm pregnant.

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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  (407): I'm pregnant. (1-407): The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number??? http://tfl.nu/ivb7
  Replies (17) Good night (1515) Bad night (2104) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  We're going to catch a squirrel this summer

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  (402): We're going to catch a squirrel this summer http://tfl.nu/ykra
  Replies (9) Good night (1529) Bad night (424) Order T-Shirt
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.

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  (321): Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance. http://tfl.nu/ue6b
  Replies (56) Good night (1288) Bad night (2298)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.

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  (201): somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors. http://tfl.nu/tdd7
  Replies (45) Good night (10204) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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  (202): I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery. (202): That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics. http://tfl.nu/1mv0
  Replies (28) Good night (2815) Bad night (911)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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  (440): I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee (1-440): please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation http://tfl.nu/gydk
  Replies (78) Good night (6209) Bad night (6700) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks

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  (440): Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks http://tfl.nu/nonu
  Replies (21) Good night (7006) Bad night (855) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.

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  (440): Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions. (440): The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America. http://tfl.nu/cnoq
  Replies (14) Good night (1525) Bad night (508)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.

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  (304): Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this. http://tfl.nu/ysuz
  Replies (3) Good night (1171) Bad night (363) Order T-Shirt
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Redeem this text for a blowjob

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  (507): Redeem this text for a blowjob http://tfl.nu/3lns
  Replies (45) Good night (18451) Bad night (881) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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  (937): There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich. http://tfl.nu/hmr5
  Replies (28) Good night (16330) Bad night (1209) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?

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  (312): sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions? http://tfl.nu/20lq
  Replies (21) Good night (513) Bad night (3535) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?

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  (804): Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no? http://tfl.nu/9ccj
  Replies (12) Good night (838) Bad night (441) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"

  (1-805): View more from California

  uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win

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  (805): as veruca salt said, "i want it now!" (1-805): uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win http://tfl.nu/zx5h
  Replies (10) Good night (3596) Bad night (746) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.

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  (919): I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping. http://tfl.nu/iyfp
  Replies (10) Good night (1899) Bad night (1014) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...

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  (770): Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less... http://tfl.nu/7jyd
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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  (717): Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango (1-717): IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN. http://tfl.nu/b5hl
  Replies (44) Good night (1468) Bad night (5108)
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  (682): View more from Texas

  I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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  (682): I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face http://tfl.nu/zwwu
  Replies (16) Good night (5251) Bad night (889) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.

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  (651): Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize. http://tfl.nu/ao6w
  Replies (5) Good night (1914) Bad night (505)
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania

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  (224): I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania http://tfl.nu/5wck
  Replies (14) Good night (2338) Bad night (558) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.

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  (817): No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds. http://tfl.nu/9tr4
  Replies (11) Good night (2174) Bad night (487)
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.

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  (865): He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her. http://tfl.nu/dj4z
  Replies (10) Good night (721) Bad night (3044) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"

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  (216): I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely" http://tfl.nu/sd7p
  Replies (27) Good night (1236) Bad night (3422) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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  (847): I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE (1-847): This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to. http://tfl.nu/xeyh
  Replies (15) Good night (4229) Bad night (720) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters

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  (509): Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters http://tfl.nu/r1et
  Replies (20) Good night (3990) Bad night (1120) Order T-Shirt
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from

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  (931): That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from http://tfl.nu/4gf0
  Replies (12) Good night (2370) Bad night (513) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!

  (623): View more from Arizona

  It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...

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  (602): If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection! (623): It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now... http://tfl.nu/u3ol
  Replies (6) Good night (2344) Bad night (632)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option

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  (541): She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option http://tfl.nu/2b0i
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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  (970): Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker" http://tfl.nu/30jj
  Replies (44) Good night (17876) Bad night (921)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Pussy?

  (586): View more from Michigan

  how

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Wat do u mean how?

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  (248): Pussy? (586): how (248): Wat do u mean how? http://tfl.nu/4yqk
  Replies (5) Good night (675) Bad night (980)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass

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  (412): just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass http://tfl.nu/r852
  Replies (3) Good night (3262) Bad night (817) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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  (310): Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on? http://tfl.nu/pffh
  Replies (54) Good night (9896) Bad night (867) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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  (407): sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch. http://tfl.nu/v1iz
  Replies (47) Good night (11884) Bad night (1060) Order T-Shirt