yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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