sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."