An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
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Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I cannot find my penis.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired