He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"