my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card