He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
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The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
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just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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