One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him