im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
