HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt