I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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