i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So many bounce houses so little time
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
just found the deal breaker
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE