He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.