yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
