I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.