Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."