Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so let's talk penis.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
