She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."