I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.