The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties