Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
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there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.