i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
This Twitter User’s Story About Meeting A Notorious Serial Killer Will Leave You Shook
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
20+ Wholesome Memes You Need In Your Life Right Now
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart