Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She bit a glass in half.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?