I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.