come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
