You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
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He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
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there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle