She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
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You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
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Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.