Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.