Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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