Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...