I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.