I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Michael Bay diarrhea
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...