i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
All of them.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.