They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed