Texts From Last Night

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  (512): View more from Texas

  They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"

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  (512): They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do" http://tfl.nu/5kcu
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.

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  (301): He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home. http://tfl.nu/hk8n
  Replies (15) Good night (1439) Bad night (318) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.

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  (416): im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough. http://tfl.nu/1lj7
  Replies (7) Good night (1674) Bad night (285) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.

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  (607): I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year. http://tfl.nu/ajj5
  Replies (4) Good night (1118) Bad night (237) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I GOT MY PERIOD!

  (706): View more from Georgia

  damn. i had names picked out.

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  (706): I GOT MY PERIOD! (706): damn. i had names picked out. http://tfl.nu/tcr6
  Replies (18) Good night (7063) Bad night (882)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.

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  (513): I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY. http://tfl.nu/5vxl
  Replies (7) Good night (2829) Bad night (906) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins

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  (518): Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins http://tfl.nu/i33q
  Replies (7) Good night (2570) Bad night (396) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers

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  (267): This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers http://tfl.nu/wazn
  Replies (6) Good night (1243) Bad night (247) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.

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  (405): I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream. http://tfl.nu/lzqh
  Replies (12) Good night (1790) Bad night (284) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.

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  (904): Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire. http://tfl.nu/weew
  Replies (14) Good night (831) Bad night (347)
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...

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  (509): Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night... http://tfl.nu/llkl
  Replies (7) Good night (712) Bad night (255) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.

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  (937): I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina. http://tfl.nu/hc91
  Replies (27) Good night (2336) Bad night (378)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?

  (1-708): View more from Illinois

  Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.

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  (708): Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything? (1-708): Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference. http://tfl.nu/anav
  Replies (14) Good night (1169) Bad night (461)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES

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  (978): PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES http://tfl.nu/lra7
  Replies (10) Good night (1404) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.

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  (404): Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm. http://tfl.nu/cydy
  Replies (12) Good night (6044) Bad night (893) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.

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  (817): Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it. http://tfl.nu/7l3r
  Replies (4) Good night (451) Bad night (1160) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..

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  (330): he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder.. http://tfl.nu/5whr
  Replies (23) Good night (945) Bad night (1996) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

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  (508): I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes http://tfl.nu/xrcl
  Replies (37) Good night (5560) Bad night (1279) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.

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  (615): When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick. http://tfl.nu/ip3w
  Replies (4) Good night (2197) Bad night (671) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night

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  (443): I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night http://tfl.nu/0wm9
  Replies (3) Good night (1286) Bad night (327)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.

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  (703): I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin. http://tfl.nu/zjl9
  Replies (6) Good night (3375) Bad night (903) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  It was just a squirrel

  (253): View more from Washington

  You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

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  (406): It was just a squirrel (253): You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar http://tfl.nu/smls
  Replies (11) Good night (5626) Bad night (800)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.

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  (970): There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know. http://tfl.nu/bv2v
  Replies (10) Good night (4305) Bad night (681) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old

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  (410): I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old http://tfl.nu/pmig
  Replies (9) Good night (2098) Bad night (1197) Order T-Shirt
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag

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  (563): Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag http://tfl.nu/f93g
  Replies (3) Good night (2264) Bad night (799) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..

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  (630): There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow.. http://tfl.nu/vffr
  Replies (20) Good night (1306) Bad night (4130) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...

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  (207): Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other... http://tfl.nu/529q
  Replies (6) Good night (2164) Bad night (365) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage

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  (419): who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage http://tfl.nu/wlxq
  Replies (9) Good night (2398) Bad night (1069) Order T-Shirt
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'

  (1-623): View more from Arizona

  I thought I could.

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  (623): You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!' (1-623): I thought I could. http://tfl.nu/l4oh
  Replies (4) Good night (2889) Bad night (475) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  he is risen halelujah

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  (303): nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ (1-303): he is risen halelujah http://tfl.nu/sbcr
  Replies (6) Good night (1348) Bad night (496) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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  (250): you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday". http://tfl.nu/bzic
  Replies (8) Good night (7036) Bad night (811) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up

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  (910): I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up http://tfl.nu/word
  Replies (4) Good night (1642) Bad night (376) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?

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  (+44): Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/0o8e
  Replies (7) Good night (3903) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.

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  (901): I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking. http://tfl.nu/t4jf
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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  (303): One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud. http://tfl.nu/mlmc
  Replies (20) Good night (8759) Bad night (1203)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.

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  (917): She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl. http://tfl.nu/btqg
  Replies (1) Good night (1193) Bad night (629) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".

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  (570): Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me". http://tfl.nu/8pyn
  Replies (10) Good night (3885) Bad night (401) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL

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  (319): WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER (1-319): THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL http://tfl.nu/179q
  Replies (12) Good night (2692) Bad night (305) Order T-Shirt
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"

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  (334): We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!" http://tfl.nu/8nad
  Replies (4) Good night (1395) Bad night (432) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.

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  (601): The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know. (615): My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens. http://tfl.nu/91vw
  Replies (10) Good night (1664) Bad night (298)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.

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  (812): Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords. http://tfl.nu/1djr
  Replies (4) Good night (1758) Bad night (346) Order T-Shirt
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.

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  (971): I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney. http://tfl.nu/myp2
  Replies (21) Good night (1939) Bad night (583) Order T-Shirt
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.

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  (321): I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this. http://tfl.nu/3qlv
  Replies (11) Good night (1685) Bad night (338)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.

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  (813): I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert. http://tfl.nu/diqw
  Replies (3) Good night (818) Bad night (502) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!

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  (714): You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue! http://tfl.nu/dw09
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.

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  (313): he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it. http://tfl.nu/c4xp
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  (650): View more from California

  OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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  (650): OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS. http://tfl.nu/26xz
  Replies (37) Good night (9631) Bad night (2025) Order T-Shirt
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed

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  (660): He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed http://tfl.nu/yvvk
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