she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.