Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.