if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
