K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.