she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
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i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
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there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field