The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?