i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I will die if light touches me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im six kinds of drunk right now
It's Friday. Sex?
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You smell like stripper and shame
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"