You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
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I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
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I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12