i just wanna soil my oats bro
i already hear my dad disowning me
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Randomize
