He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.